She said I was special

[chizz]

Hello,
I just wanted to talk about a converstion I had with a latina from colomibia. We were actually talking in hotmail messenger with a webcam(a godsend!) and the conversation was flowing smoothly. We talked and laughed alot, and was having a great time, when she ended up saying "I think you are special". I had to pause, and think for a minute. Then i asked her, "Why am I special, I'm just like every other guy". She then said "because you want to talk to me, and accept that I have  son". Now, I have to admit, the thought of not talking to her because she has a son, never crossed my mind, and the only time I ever bring it up is when I ask how he is doing, and such. She then said, that is the biggest reason she is still single. Now, since im used to interrogation, when i see an opening, im going to take it. This bit of information could tell me alot about why she is in the agency, and why she wants a gringo. I asked "do you have a problem meeting men in colombia because of you son?" She said that when you have a child, it is harder because the men only want to play with you and do not want to be serious. I said " so you think gringos think differently?". She said she feels most do, but haven't met any, until me. hmmmm....the look on her face was sincere, and i could tell she meant it. Now, just like up here, if meet someone with a kid, my only question is, "What's up with pops?" , is he a knucklehead, is he very jealous, does he want someone else raising his kid, and such, and being in colombia, does he want his kid leaving the country?
My question here is: Has anyone been turned away from a latina because she has a kid, or does it not matter, because i haven't really heard this from a latina before. It may have been thought of, but never had been said, and since she mentioned it to me, it must be something that is really concerning her.
Bryan

[soltero]

Hello,
I just wanted to talk about a converstion I had with a latina from colomibia. We were actually talking in hotmail messenger with a webcam(a godsend!) and the conversation was flowing smoothly. We talked and laughed alot, and was having a great time, when she ended up saying "I think you are special". I had to pause, and think for a minute. Then i asked her, "Why am I special, I'm just like every other guy". She then said "because you want to talk to me, and accept that I have  son". Now, I have to admit, the thought of not talking to her because she has a son, never crossed my mind, and the only time I ever bring it up is when I ask how he is doing, and such. She then said, that is the biggest reason she is still single. Now, since im used to interrogation, when i see an opening, im going to take it. This bit of information could tell me alot about why she is in the agency, and why she wants a gringo. I asked "do you have a problem meeting men in colombia because of you son?" She said that when you have a child, it is harder because the men only want to play with you and do not want to be serious. I said " so you think gringos think differently?". She said she feels most do, but haven't met any, until me. hmmmm....the look on her face was sincere, and i could tell she meant it. Now, just like up here, if meet someone with a kid, my only question is, "What's up with pops?" , is he a knucklehead, is he very jealous, does he want someone else raising his kid, and such, and being in colombia, does he want his kid leaving the country?
My question here is: Has anyone been turned away from a latina because she has a kid, or does it not matter, because i haven't really heard this from a latina before. It may have been thought of, but never had been said, and since she mentioned it to me, it must be something that is really concerning her.
Bryan

Hello Chizz,

I have enjoyed your posts, and feel that we have similar outlooks on the subject matter you have posted on so far. I am one of those guys that falls in the no kids camp. I don't have any of my own yet, and am not looking for a woman that has any, as I would like for us to have kids together in that the experience will be a first time for both of us. I usually stress that I don't want to talk to any women with kids when I deal with the agencies, but every now and then, they will slip one or two in on you.

I have to admit that the women with kids that I met through the agencies seemed to be much more grounded and mature than most of their childless counterparts, and I figured out a long time ago that women with children whether here or there would fit better into what I desire as far as a family of my own as they already have some experience, but I have found that I can not get past the desire to have my OWN family first, before I start raising someone else's.

There are others who speak up on this topic, and for the most part, my opinion appears to be in the minority, but that doesn't matter to me as their life isn't mine or vice versa, and I wish them the best of luck and truly respect someone willing to take on someone else's responsibilities like that. A friend once asked me a long time ago (as I have held this frame of mind for as long as I can remember),

"What if your perfect woman already had a child?"

I didn't even need to really think about it as I responded, "If she was my perfect woman, then she wouldn't have any children."

To each his own...

[papi]

here are some of my thoughts:

-Whether true or not women feel that having a child makes them less appealing to men. I have met girls that hid the fact that they had kids from the agency and me

-Having a child can help ground them but that is not always the case. I have met my share of player mothers

-You might end up taking a backseat to the kid

-Young women are going to want children. If they already have one, then they might not push an older guy into having children he does not want to have.

-I have heard it is difficult for a mother to meet a single man in colombia...i am not sure this is in fact true

-You might not be happy with the way she raises the child, lack of discipline and so forth. Kids can be a handful especially adjusting to a new culture, step-dad.

-there seems to be a plethora of unwed mothers in latin america

-it seems that the third world is less careful when it comes to contraception, thus more unwed mothers

-it appears many have deadbeat ex-novios/husbands failing to help or helping little and lax laws making this more prevalent

-I prefer someone without kids but would not rule it out if the woman rocked my world and I liked the kids

-In many cases, the man has little involvement with the kids

[el_ruso]

Well, the girl I am currently pursuing has a daughter.  When we met she told me the girl was her little sister, but it was very apparent in a very short period of time that this was not the case.  This thing alone almost pushed me to sever the ties, but I didn't, and I am glad I didn't.

I was not looking specifically for a woman with a kid of course, and since I am 30 an do not have my own yet, I definitely want my own as well.  But the little girl is wonderful, appears to like me a lot, and from what I can tell the way I treated her has really impressed my girl and led to her pursuing the relationship with me.  In fact, the way she treated her daughter has impressed me too and made me adore her, and perhaps fall in love with her.  I basically dream that she will be a mother to my children as well.  She had the kid when she was very young, it obviously made her life a lot more difficult, but she not only never blames the kid for anything, her daughter is the most important and most loved object in her life.  She adores her, spends whatever little money she has on her, is genuinly happy that she exists, and frankly there are a lot of people who had planned kids who don't treat them nearly as well as she treats her daughter, who have other selfish priorities in life.  She knows how to discipline the child, and I have no worries in that department.  The little girl is very sweet and loving, and I would do anything for her.  When a woman has a child you don't have to guess how will she be as a mother, and that's the main positive.  Love is acceptance, so if a man loves a woman, he will accept her the way she is, kids and all.

Having said that, if I didn't like the kid, or if I had serious doubts about the woman's parenting skills I would not be pursuing the relationship with her.  Also if a man is actually around, and wants to be with the kid, it would be a major turnoff for me, because I would not share my family.  Inasmuch as I would respect, even admire, such a guy, I would not want to be a part of the situation.  The good thing is that in Colombia the vast majority of guys don't give about their kids (from a perspective of a guy willing to date single mothers). 

[chizz]

Hello Sol,
Thanks, i've enjoyed your posts as well. To be perfectly honest, I would prefer meeting someone without kids, because it would make things alot smoother. I agree with you on the point of a woman with a kid is likely to be more grounded, since I believe when a woman has a kid she pretty much has no choice but to grow up, start being a serious woman and leave the little girl life behind.
Papi, I like all those points you made, they made alot of sense, and truthfully, some of those, i've never even thought about.
 
You might not be happy with the way she raises the child, lack of discipline and so forth. Kids can be a handful especially adjusting to a new culture, step-dad.

This one is mucho important. I believe in discipline, and I believe parents should be parents first, and not try to be their kids friends, you have plenty of time for that when they are 18+.
When kids start thinking they're your equal, you can forget it, they won't listen to you or respect you, and from the ladies I have encountered so far, they spoil the hell out of their sons.
Yeah, I can see im going to have to think alot of this through.
Bryan
 

[papi]

Latinos, like all kids can be little monsters. I have seen it. And the mothers often have 0 control and may not let you discipline the kids. These are things to look into. On the maturity front, 99% of the time grandma ends up helping raise the kids.

If my sister had gotton knocked up without a husband, my folks would have gone nuts...and they would not have been so open to her living at home and their being involved with raising the kid. This is not the case in LA. It seems to be Standard Operating Procedure. Latina gets pregnant, lives at home and los abuelos help raise the kids. No problema

[el_ruso]

I would not venture to say that it is "no problema".  However, it is common and socially accepted, and I personally don't see a crime in a woman having a child either.  And abuelos should (and should want to) help raising the kid; this is normal.  In fact the family-oriented culture is what attracts me to Latin American women more than anything, and that's why I don't want any others.

In Latin culture, the maturity and respectability of a woman is tied to her family and kids, rather than her job or education.  If a woman is 35, has a degree and has no kids, it will be a lot less socially acceptable than a girl who is 20, single mother and dropped out of school.  Many girls, especially from poor families, actually try to get pregnant on purpose, so that they will be treated as adults and have more freedom.  If a woman ends up as a single mother it is viewed as bad luck, but the woman is viewed as someone who has achieved what she was born to do, who is mature, who is responsible, and who is supposed to be treated as an adult.  If a woman however chooses the "Western" model, gets degrees, moves out of home to live by herself, most importantly has no kids and family, no matter what her professional success could be, it will not be acceptable, and her family will tell her that she is crazy, and will give her sisters or cousins who had kids early on (and are now "happy") as an example to her of how she should live life.  In the West and in most of Latin America values, especially when it comes to the role of women, are profoundly different.

[Parlay Rey]

In the West and in most of Latin America values, especially when it comes to the role of women, are profoundly different.

Thank GOD.

[utopiacowboy]

A lot of it is economic. My wife was a widow with three kids and not too many Colombian guys are going to be able or want to support three kids who aren't their own no matter how hot she is.

[papi]

And abuelos should (and should want to) help raising the kid; this is normal.

agreed, but my point was more in response to the above posts covering the higher maturity levels of mommy. That is, if granny is taking charge of junior, then mommy might not in fact grow up any faster than her single counterparts

In Latin culture, the maturity and respectability of a woman is tied to her family and kids, rather than her job or education.  If a woman is 35, has a degree and has no kids, it will be a lot less socially acceptable than a girl who is 20, single mother and dropped out of school.

I wonder why all the women i meet are professional students    Seems to also vary by strata

[Nicks]

Here are my 5cents,

1...Latin males do not like single moms in general. Its a macho issue for them, why spend time and money on another mans child, therefore single moms have trubble finding a man.

2..The benefit of a single mom (i used this as a preference when i hiered staff for the casinos) they are more intune with reality, they are usually more serious, and mature.

3..The back seat issue is something to take into account. The child will be number 1 in HER life for ever, husband will be second, if his lucky split first place.

4..cost of sending the child home ones or twice to visis grandparents.

5..Dependeing on the situation of the split up ´between mom and dad, the child might have psychological issues, misstrusting men in general etc.

I dont think its a NO NO, but i would think a lot about geting in to a relationship with a woman who has a child.

nick

[rpcv]

In Latin culture, the maturity and respectability of a woman is tied to her family and kids, rather than her job or education.  If a woman is 35, has a degree and has no kids, it will be a lot less socially acceptable than a girl who is 20, single mother and dropped out of school.  Many girls, especially from poor families, actually try to get pregnant on purpose, so that they will be treated as adults and have more freedom.  If a woman ends up as a single mother it is viewed as bad luck, but the woman is viewed as someone who has achieved what she was born to do, who is mature, who is responsible, and who is supposed to be treated as an adult. 

As a minority in the USA, I'd have to say the same applies to the Black community. I'd say women feel it is acceptable to also have/raise kids without a father present. part of it might be attributed to society, but there is a preception that having a child somehow makes them a "adult", even though they are emotionally (and in some cases) a teenager.

I can also recall several times when I taught an afterschool program, Black women would ask me why I didn't have any kids. I was 31 at the time and they looked upon it as very odd and as one woman said, "Aw, you is not a man yet". Interesting.