My Asian Fiancee story in progress-Having second thoughts

[orangele]

I am a 49 yr old American born Chinese.  Even though I am Chinese, I never learned to speak Chinese.  Therefore, although I do have some cultural background, I am more American than Chinese.  Still I feel most attracted to, and most similar to Chinese women.

Following my divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago, I tried online dating and met a pretty 27 yr. old Chinese girl from California.  Tell you the truth, I think we came close to matching well, but bottom line was I found her to be a little too much of a party girl, and acted like she was 18 rather than 27. 

I then found a beautiful 34 yr old woman from China.  This woman has been on her own for many years, and appeared to be mature, knowing what she wants in life, and how to work and support herself in the past.  We wrote extensively.  After my divorce, I was pretty much cleaned out financially, although I am fortunate to continue to have a very good income.  I explained to her my situation that I needed to recoup my savings for retirement, and told her that the only way I could get remarried is if my fiancee would sign a prenup agreement allowing me to save for retirement.  Without an agreement, in the event of another divorce, it would be absolutely devastating financically, and I simply could not risk it.  Such retirement savings would be mine alone in the event of a divorce, although all other income, assests and savings obtained during the marriage would be community property.  She agreed to this.  She became very upset when my lawyer took my one page of requests for a prenup and wrote 38 pages of complex language which basically was very unfavorable to her.  I must say that I agreed to it, because the idea was that we could change things that she was unhappy with.  I told her that I would tell my lawyer to stick to what I originally told her I would want in an agreement.  I have given her money to hire her own Chinese-speaking lawyer in the U.S. to represent her interests, and keep the process as fair as possible.

The other issue which is more troubling to me is that she seems to be very jealous of the fact that I love my 7 1/2 yr old son, who I have non-custodial joint custody of.    Whenever I talk about any time or efforts that I am giving toward my son, I can tell she starts to become upset.  She has even asked me to tell her that she is number one, and that I love her more than my son.  I have explained to her that I love my son as a son, and I love her as my future wife, and I cannot put one above the other.  I think this may become a very disruptive area since I will obviously have continuous contact with my son, and she will be the one often caring for him when I am at work.  She has said that she will be happy to care for him.  I do not know if this is a cultural issue or is this that she is perhaps selfish.  I think perhaps one needs to be a parent (she has never had children) to understand the love you develop for a child.  As a parent, I simply find it incomprehensible that she cannot understand why I love my son, and why she would be jealous of my love for him.  After all, I would think and expect that I love a child that we may have together.  She also accuses me of loving my EX-wife more than her which is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous because I completely despise her (although I am always civil in my dealings with her). 

The visa process is moving along, and I expect her to be able to come to the U.S. in about 4 months, although these recent issues are making me start to doubt whether we are compatible or not. 

[Ray]

Hi orangele, welcome to the forum.

There’s nothing wrong with having second thoughts. Slowing down and stepping back to take a deeper look at things is healthy when you are preparing for marriage.

Pre-nups can be a touchy subject as you are probably finding out. Do you live in California? My understanding is that California law considers individual retirement savings plans to be community property if community income went into them. Your attorney can explain the details but you can probably protect whatever you have saved before the marriage without a pre-nup if you keep it entirely separate and don’t co-mingle funds. Getting your fiancée her own legal representation with an attorney who speaks her native language is the proper way to do it, so at least you seem to be on the right track with the legal stuff.

I think it is natural for most women to feel some degree of jealousy over your children but how she handles those feelings is important. If the subject of your child and your attention toward him is becoming a problem now, then you would be wise to think twice before moving forward.

And from your description of her comments about your ex-wife, I think you are going to have problems. Perhaps jealousy is a big character issue with her and you should deal with it now before you get married.

Assuming that you are petitioning her for a fiancée visa, you might want to come to an agreement with her that you both should use most of the 90-day visa period to evaluate your relationship before marriage and try to clear up the issues with the pre-nup and the jealousy thing. Do you think she would be willing to have a trial period for a couple of months or so to see how things work out, assuming that she would return home if either one of you decide to back out of the marriage?

You can purchase her a round-trip plane ticket to help reassure her and suggest that she not cut all her ties at home until you both are sure about this. You always have the option of re-applying for another fiancée later if you do need more time to be sure. Or you can always delay her traveling here if you want to take more time. The visa is good for six months after issue.

Ray

[doombug]

...these recent issues are making me start to doubt whether we are compatible or not. 

Yep, they're burning my retinas too.



Been there; sensed that.

And booked one-way, red-eye flights right out of there! 

Personally, I don't envy the "happily" married couples I occasionally see prancing about in the States.  Here, the formula's red or black, ball in motion, and wait for the wheel to stop. 

In this era, in this country, a man shouldn't be so eager to gamble away the rights to his nutsack.  Plus, divorce courts in the States don't even bother to administer anesthesia prior to the severing of said jewels.         

"Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you invest, investigate. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try. Before you retire, save. Before you die, give."
--William A. Ward

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
--Katharine Hepburn

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
--Bill Cosby

And from one of my favorite black comedies, "The War of the Roses":

"There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?"
--Danny DeVito

This might surprise many of you.  Remember those 50% divorce-rate headlines over the years?  Well, things might not be--or ever have been--that bad after all:

Per capita divorce rates 1990-2002:
 
1991, 0.47%
1992, 0.48%
1993, 0.46%
1994, 0.46%
1995, 0.46%
1995, 0.43%
1997, 0.43%,
1998, 0.42%,
1999, 0.41%,
2000, 0.41%,
2001, 0.40%,
2002, 0.38%
http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html

"...compared with women married before 1975, those married since
1975 had slightly better odds of reaching their 10th and 15th wedding
anniversaries with their marriages still intact."
http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html

Anyhow, my solution still stands:

Relocation: Find the best places to retire. Do a cost of living comparison and find the best retirement locations. Relocation can save you money and improve your quality of life.
https://www.newretirement.com/Services/Retirement_Services.aspx

Ol' Pete had it down.

Peace wit it, my bruddas!

[Tim]

orangele, the advice you've gotten so far is good, but let me share a bit more.

Sorry to be so blunt, but the way you describe your relationship makes it sound more like a business arrangement instead of being deeply in love. The simple fact that you posted your story here with admitted misgivings about the relationship should show you that things have been rushed.

Might I ask why you are so intent on remarrying as soon as you recoop your finances? I was in your situation once and waited 5 years before remarrying. It was a wise decision. Those years were valuable to me in sorting out my feelings, and deciding what I really wanted in life (and in a life-mate).

Anyway, let me tell you a true story. I know a divorced American guy. He has children from his ex (an AW). He went through the visa process and married a Chinese lady (no children). After she immigrated here, strong jealousies emerged in her personality. She couldn't handle him having a relationship with his children, and eventually the jealousy spread to all aspects of his past life (before her). Eventually this destroyed the marriage and they divorced.

I'd hate to see that same thing happen to you.   

Regards, Tim

[orangele]

Hey thanks guys, I appreciate the comments and advice. 

Obviously no one knows me here so it is difficult to judge someone from a brief posting.  I am the type of person who tends to be a push-over.  I tend to give in to the demands of someone I care about.   I know that I have this type of personality, and a pre-nup would insure that I would not "lose the farm," in the event that my fiancee' changes, or turns into someone I do not know. 

Obviously I, and many men have had the experience of marrying someone you love, and then finding that person repulsive (in a personality type way) years later.  There are no guarantees in life or marriage, but at least a prenup makes such a gamble reasonable. 

Lastly I am NOT the type of person who believes that there is only one compatible person in the world for them.  I tend to be a very compliant person who can adapt to another person quite well.  This continues as long as the other person does not become so unreasonable that even I cannot accept it. 

Yes I have doubts about my Chinese fiancee' but I think most people do have doubts. 

Thanks again for the input, it is appreciated.

[Brainiac]

You're right, I don't know you, but I do know a jealous woman because I married one.  IT IS HELL!!!! I do not have any children, so there is no tie to my ex-wife, but my wife can't even stand to let me watch TV with women in the show! You have a child that I assume you love: my question for you is why would you even have to ask about this issue? DUMP HER! Nothing should come between you and your child, NOTHING! Long distance, intercultural relationships have plenty of issues, why do you want to add more?  Please, PLEASE think rationally about what you are comtemplating. There are plenty more women out there, and you deserve a good wife.  If you knowingly marry a jealous woman, you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and failure.

[Ray]

my wife can't even stand to let me watch TV with women in the show!
 

Seriously? She gets jealous if you watch a show on TV with women in it?

HOLY COW! Now that would be hell!

[Jeff S]

That does sound tough. My wife points out well endowed women to make sure I don't miss them when we're out in public.

Orangele: I'd make sure this is the right girl for you before committing to a lifetime with her. I believe one of the biggest mistakes people make when getting married is either thinking the other person will change (more common with women, some of whom look at a man as a project) or thinking you can learn to live with their perceived faults (more common with men.) Spend the time and effort to make sure first.

I also believe like you that it isn't just one person in the world for you and you have to find that person. There are probably many many possibles out there. Love isn't something you find or fall into, it's something you do, every day, day after day and year after year, whether you feel like it or not. Only after you do love can you feel love. Both partners have to be in agreement on that one and put in the ongoing effort, because when one quits the whole thing goes south pretty quickly. It's hard work, not necessarily unpleasant work, but work nonetheless.

I tend to be a very compliant person who can adapt to another person quite well.  This continues as long as the other person does not become so unreasonable that even I cannot accept it.

You have to grow a pair and dig in your heels sometime, or you're going to become the doormat, IMO. A lot of women like playing the puppeteer game, and if you allow it, it can become more and more annoying, until it gets to the stage where it becomes unreasonable. Most people are fine with limits, so long as they're consistent and the other person knows what they are. Drawing the limits doesn't have to be confrontational and angry, just matter-of-fact, and part of everyday life. How she will react to them is what dating and courting is supposed to be all about. If she's going to throw a hissy fit every time you draw a line in the sand, you need to know about it before you say, "I do." That's one aspect of long distance, foreign bride process that's the most difficult, gaging whether her behaviour is really her reaction or is she just acting, in the limited time we have to get to know our spouses.

Just my 2 cents, your mileage may vary.

- Jeff

[william3rd]

If this is how it is now, it can only get worse.

IF she will not accept your child, then she is not acceptable as a wife. The child comes with the package. The child is your blood and is an innocent. Your first allegiance is to your son and not your testicles.

[drjoker69]

I married a Chinese control freak. She is not really jealous. She just knows that she will lose control of you if you have ties to other people besides her. If you have ties to your son or ex-wife, etc. They may spot some bad traits about her and warn you. Then, her house of cards will come tumbling down. She is trying to control you and milk you dry. Then, she will dump you. She doesn't mind the prenup because she will milk you dry while you are married to her. I know, because this happened to me 

Tell her that she is not marrying you. She is marrying your family. Tell her you live with your Mother. You are taking care of her because she has health problems. Tell her that you love your son and that he will be staying with you because the mother became a drug addict and you got custody. A real Asian woman will still go through with the marriage. Family is very important to Asians. You are never supposed to put your Mom in an old people's home. That is the biggest sin to an Asian. If she calls off the wedding because of this, then she is a control freak. She is a reject from Asia because she doesn't have traditional Asian values. That's why she is dying to come to America.

Do the right thing. Dump her!