Now I'm Really Confused

[Researcher]

    RK,   Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.



    Researcher

[Kiltboy1]

RK

I have dated over a hundred Colombianas in my day and she is feeding you TOTAL BS,AND I MEAN TOTAL!!

Cut your losses my man and find one that is really interested in you.

KB

[RK]

There's definitely a common belief from the majority replying to my topic, so I would be crazy not to heed the feedback I solicited. I'm just surprised she had me meet her daughter, mother, spend time with her sisters, etc. Bottom line...if she wanted to see me, she would, and I'm obviously not a priority for her at this point, and that's not what I'm looking for in a relationship. Time to move on...

[InnocentVixen]

Think more like a Latino than a Gringo.

While AB might have some good points, I believe this is the most negative advice I have ever heard!! it's like me telling mexican girls or a latina for that matter that if they want to marry an american man they should behave like the feminazis you are all working so hard to avoid!

Besides, if you are not yourself it's not going to end up well anyways... if she is not the one for you move on, you will find your match soon enough

[eddomo1970]

I agree with IV. Why pretend who you are? What happens when she falls for a guy you are pretending to be and she gets here and finds that is not who you really are? Just be yourself, you will find a girl that is worth the real you.

[RK]

IV and ed...I agree wholeheartedly. I was validating his feedback more than anything. I assure you, I don't know of any other way other than being the guy I am. As you mention, I'll be myself and move on. Just a little disappointed about this situation, but that's life. I never thought about Mexico (IV referencing Mexican girls in her reply)...where do you meet good, serious ladies from there? Colombiana's are everywhere you look, but I rarely see ladies from Mexico.

[utopiacowboy]

While AB might have some good points, I believe this is the most negative advice I have ever heard!! it's like me telling mexican girls or a latina for that matter that if they want to marry an american man they should behave like the feminazis you are all working so hard to avoid!

Besides, if you are not yourself it's not going to end up well anyways... if she is not the one for you move on, you will find your match soon enough

Most gringos are too concerned with being a "nice" guy. A "nice" guy just gets played. No Colombian man takes any sh*t from a Colombian woman and that's the kind of behavior they are used to. Best to act likewise or else they'll walk all over you. They may complain about a macho attitude but it's the only thing they respect.

[Kiltboy1]

Most gringos are too concerned with being a "nice" guy. A "nice" guy just gets played. No Colombian man takes any sh*t from a Colombian woman and that's the kind of behavior they are used to. Best to act likewise or else they'll walk all over you. They may complain about a macho attitude but it's the only thing they respect.

UT is 100% correct. Colombianas only understand "MACHISTA"
You should do as the Colombian man keeping in mind that you are a good person as well. No Colombiana I have ever met wants a candyass, and Colombianas appreciate machista as Long as you do not cheat or or not violent, but you are, and I repeat ARE DECISIVE .

KB

[fathertime]

    I'm going to have to agree with Alabamaboy!, UC, and Kiltboy, on this one.  Without a doubt, if I had been an overly 'nice guy' I would have been walked all over and not married to a beautiful Colombian babe!  Not to say you can't be nice, but it seems to me there needs to be a certain hard edge that can be pulled out of the closet and used at times. 

     The current situation MAY have been fixed, if you did not just accept what she was saying, but assertively told her that you wanted to see her this weekend and for her to change her plans!  Be that as it may, perhaps it is for the best that you just let her go and use this as a learning experience. 

    My feeling is sometimes gringos come off as being asexual hens to these women.  My woman told me that when she first saw me in person she was a little scared of my face and appearance.  It wasn't that it was ugly (which according to some it is) but it was that I was not a grinning brownose that was going to pushed into things.  At some point that is an attitude that you will likely need to develop, if you are to have a better chance at success with these women.  There is a way to be both nice and  yet take a stand...I think your situation where you already bought an airline ticket was one of those situations.   
Best of luck, it sounds like your job will enable you to travel and meet lots of gals, try to take my advice in the spirit it is given!
Fathertime!

[RK]

     try to take my advice in the spirit it is given!
Fathertime!

FT, I wouldn't take it any other way. I really appreciate the feedback you have given me on this post, as well as KB, UC, and the others. It has really helped handle this situation, get a grip, and further develop my interpersonal skills.

I understand what you mean about walking all over if allowed. She blew me off the last minute the first weekend, then did it again this weekend, not taking into account my time either, saying she would let me know when she had time for me to visit in after a 2-3 week period. I told her maybe I would still go to Bogota since one night of my apt was paid for and not refundable, and I had the free time. The impression was that I would go to meet other friends and not see her. She didn't seem to like that idea much. I ended up getting a credit for half of my deposit to use towards a future booking.  I did write her an email a few days ago saying she had a lot on her plate, I wasn't a priority, and we could meet again in the future when things settled down for her. Her reply was that she had to work and train both weekends, possibly next weekend as well,  it was important to her career change, she still had to spend time with her 2 yr old after work, if I loved her I would understand not being able to visit for a couple of weeks, she didn't understand why I felt the way I did, but she respects my decision and hoped I would still write and call her.

I understand what many of you are saying. I do tend to be that smiling, overly nice guy, and should take a harder stand when necessary. I guess if I insisted on going and she didn't change her plans, I could have salvaged the weekend by meeting others.

[Knight11]

Utopia

Even tho what you said might be true to a point... its why things are the way they are... its why colombian girls that can look OUTSIDE their country. Perpetuating the sitaution doesnt help at all.

Rk i would be yourself....you can be a nice guy....without being a TANTO (aka a fool).

Being nice and being a fool dont go hand in hand. You have to be smart..and have common sense.

[eddomo1970]

Their is a big difference between being a male chauvinist and having a spine. 

[utopiacowboy]

Utopia

Even tho what you said might be true to a point... its why things are the way they are... its why colombian girls that can look OUTSIDE their country. Perpetuating the sitaution doesnt help at all.

Rk i would be yourself....you can be a nice guy....without being a TANTO (aka a fool).

Being nice and being a fool dont go hand in hand. You have to be smart..and have common sense.

I wasn't advocating being abusive or running around on them.

[Researcher]

      Women not respecting a "nice guy" is true across the board, no matter where you are.If you are going to Colombia because AWs walk all over you chances are you'll get walked on there also.But putting on some BS macho act is probably going to blow up in your face sooner or later.If you live with someone its not that easy to hide who you really are.Take a good look in the mirror and go from there.


      Researcher

[dennislevy]

RK et al.
 
I think one mistake gringos make is that they get attached to women outside of their profile.

A young Colombian woman with a child or children...and with values usually works hard...and quite often they dont have free time. A Colombian man will say, si nene, entiendo y esperare....OK; baby i understand and I ll wait (until you re free) or you can make a committment to me

But he usually has a pool of other women that he is working.

Since Colombian women are used  to this....Many want to test a man s sincerity and interest..... its part of the conquista ritual. So they wont answer calls or they cancel dates. Im talking about women in Bogota.


Getting back to dating your profile, the two most important things a gringo visiting Colombia can do is...
1. speak passable to fluent spanish
2.  develop a profile of what he wants and what he needs for a long term relationship.
if a man doesnt want kids or is unwiling to take kids on....or the woman is at apoint in her life where she doesnt have time for that man, its usually futile to date her.

And as much experience as I have, I made this mistake recently.

I stated dating an attractive elegant woman in her late 40s, very, very smart, terrific conversationalist, well educated, employs 120 people in her company and  owns an elegant home in a Strato 6 neighbrohood in North Bogota.  She is established in Colombia, her carrer and family are here....She does everything I could ask for to maintain...she initiates and makes phone calls, she emails me, sheinvited me to her home for a lovely dinner...So, you ask, Dennis...whats the problem?

She s got two kids who are 15 and 13, and her life centers arond them and her business. And as much as I think she enjoys my company, she is not aobut to make a commitment to me and make me a priority anytime soon. Do I blame her? no I dont. she has her own goals. On her profile, she listed as goals, friendship citas and romance....that s shorthand for .....I dont want to make any committments. I knew exactly what I was walking into.

A fabulous woman, but wrong profile for me, and the wrong time...

And thats how a gringo has to think. Now having said all of that...

And that s why I think its important to try and cultivate a dating pool, not so you can get laid by multiple women, but so you can compare and contrast their life situations and their goals....if a man is serious about finding a mate.  And when you have several in the hopper, then you have the luxury of saying to a woman, thank you for everything and I iwsh you happiness and success.





And a man has to knwo what he wants...but more realistically, he can get....and keep




 

[InnocentVixen]

balance is the key it is true that if you don't have a spine you will get walked over, not only by women but by everyone, but no need to go to the extreme opposite to protect yourself or find a fiancee

where do you meet good, serious ladies from there? Colombiana's are everywhere you look, but I rarely see ladies from Mexico.

sorry, just added the mexican comment since I am mexican and cannot speak for latin ladies (even if our cultures are somewhat similar), I have to admit there is no "fishing pool" over here, I remember someone went to Monterrey and said it was a decent place to look but never been there myself... beware, by the sounds of it, we are more old fashioned than most colombianas so this makes it a bit harder, no agencies over here either.

[braziliangirl]

Sorry for the offtopic, but...

I am mexican and cannot speak for latin ladies (even if our cultures are somewhat similar)

So you don't consider yourself a latina? Is it just you or mexicans in general?

We have the same weird phenomenon here in Brazil.

[jksun07]

  RK,
   Sounds like BS to me.When I was dating my wife sometimes she would have to work but we still would see each other after she was finished.


  Researcher

I totally agree with this.  If a girl was genuinely interested in you, she would at least see you for a little bit, no matter how hectic her schedule.  When I went to visit my girl (and I stayed at her place), she went to work at her shop at 8 am, and closed at 12 pm just to be with me and make me lunch.  I can't generalize but from my experience (perhaps it was the luck of the draw), the difference between the few AWs I've been with and her is that she makes me her priority. 

Even if the girl has a kid and some 60 hour/week job, she'll find a way to see you.  She'll always miss you and love you, and seeing you would make her day.  The way I see it is that if there's a will, there's always a way. 

[Researcher]

   jksun,
        You don't have to look to far to know if a woman is really interested in you.Some guys just don't want to see it.



  Researcher

[fathertime]

I totally agree with this.  If a girl was genuinely interested in you, she would at least see you for a little bit, no matter how hectic her schedule.  When I went to visit my girl (and I stayed at her place), she went to work at her shop at 8 am, and closed at 12 pm just to be with me and make me lunch.  I can't generalize but from my experience (perhaps it was the luck of the draw), the difference between the few AWs I've been with and her is that she makes me her priority. 

Even if the girl has a kid and some 60 hour/week job, she'll find a way to see you.  She'll always miss you and love you, and seeing you would make her day.  The way I see it is that if there's a will, there's always a way. 

Yup, sounds very familiar.  My wife would work until 7pm and be at my location by 7:15, after a long day at work.  It is important for posters to know that a woman into their man will make EVERY effort to be there.  If they don't care enough to be there, that can also be interpreted as they don't care if you are going out with another gal.

Fathertime!

[InnocentVixen]

Sorry for the offtopic, but...

So you don't consider yourself a latina? Is it just you or mexicans in general?

We have the same weird phenomenon here in Brazil.

Hi there, nice to meet you we simply consider ourselves mexicans or hispanic, latins are supposed to be people from central and south america and eventhough people often forgets about it, Mexico is in fact in north america, I don't mind if I am called latin, just made it clear because most men around here are looking in places like Colombia and Peru

[Jeff S]

There's a couple of words I never really understood, "Latins" (people who don't speak Latin, but rather Spanish, Portuguese, English, and French,) and "Hispanic," from the island of Hispanola, half of which is Haiti where the people are of African descent and speak French.

[Dave H]

It is all about being politically correct. It is like the various terms used for Black/African Americans. Names or labels come in and out of popularity over the years with various people and are changed.  I personally don't like these labels, preferring the term "American" for US citizens. "American" should mean out of many races and ethnic groups, "ONE PEOPLE"...similar to Jamaica.


"Hispanic" actually comes from "Hispania", which was the Roman name for the Iberian Peninsula. Today it is made up predominately of Spain and Portugal. "Hispanic" originally meant someone from ancient "Hispania." Today the term "Hispanic" has also come to mean people with origins (born in or with ancestors from) countries formerly ruled by Spain, where the majority of the people still speak the Spanish language. (That is why the Philippines is often excluded) This would include Mexico, the majority of the Central and South American countries. It is not based on a country's location in North, Central, or South America.

"Latin" would also include Italians. The Spanish, Portuguese, English, French, and Italian (and a few others) languages are all descended from Latin. Today "Latin" or "Latino" has become a synonym  of "Hispanic." Some people prefer "Hispanic," others prefer "Latino," while some people don't like either of these terms.

Dave

[Kiltboy1]

I believe Richard Nixon coined the phrase "HISPANIC" when trying to define a census in the early to mid 70s to gain more seats in Congress. I am no historian but Latin is the language given to you by the Spanish and if so, all Spanish speaking people would then indeed be "Latin" As far as North America, Central America, South America is concerned, you hate each other in my experience, The Colombians hate the Ecuadorians, The Ecuadorians hate the Peruvians and on and on. I expect if you tell a Colombian they are Latin they would reply "No, I am Colombian. Everyone always talks about how racist Americans are when in fact I think Latinos, Hispanics or whatever you want to call yourselves are far more racist and prejudiced then Americans . My wife talks down many nationalities she meets here in the states and not a one of them are what we would consider Americans.

KB

[utopiacowboy]

You left out the Argentines, hated by all other South Americans.