Pain never goes completely away..

[singlefather no more]

Pain never goes away..

I am sitting here tonight okay this morning in front my computer.. My kids had a rough night , my son dreamed of the day his Mom died and of course that upset my daughter..

I spent a couple of hours consoling them , kissing them and hugging them but damn it all I can't take away there pain..

As a Father I would give my Life for my kids in a heartbeat but I can't take away there grief..

I am writing this as it pops in my head and as tears run down my cheeks.. God damn you God why did she have to die ?.. I can't take away my own pain either , it will always be with me..

The day my late wife died brought misery to me.. I hurt so much from that time.. We had to have [snip]ing swat team at the funeral as I was forced to bury my wife on her Indian Reserve under the threat of violence and kidnapping..

I promised my late wife Yvonne when she was at death's door when she was pregnant with my son in 99 that I would bury her down near Toronto where the kids and I could visit her..

Thank God they saved her and my son's life.. She was a great and wonderful and what a friggin brave woman she was. She had fatty liver due to pregnancy..

Her liver shut down and she was air lifted to the USA to the Mayo clinic.. 9 doctors surrounded her and said we need to take your baby now to save your life.. She was 21 weeks pregnant and she said..

What chance does my baby have to live if I allow you to take him.. They said 3-5 % chance that the baby will survive..

She got her stubborn face on and faced the doctors and I.. She said we either both live or we both die.. I will not allow you to take my baby to save my life..

They turned to me and said , when she goes unconscious then the decision will be yours to save your wife..

Yvonne turned to me and got me to swear that I would not overrule her decision to save our baby life... Thank God I did not have to make that decision as the docs saved both lives..

Sometimes I wish it was me and not Yvonne who died.. For being left behind was the hardest thing..The stress of losing Yvonne and then my kids kidnapped 1 year later nearly killed me.

I love and cherish my kids and if I did not have them , I don't know how I could carry on..

I am sorry my dear Yvonne that I could not save your life.. I was on the damn phone business calls when you screamed for me..

The last thing that Yvonne said to me was " Jeff !!!!!!!! " " Help me !! " ..

My children remember that scream also and I get chills remembering that scream..

I called the medics and the ambulance and they could not save her..

I will never forget racing down the road doing 95 miles a hour following the ambulance to town.. Twenty minutes later the ambulance slowed down to 60 and I knew in my gut she was gone..

Now I am so lucky in my life to have found the great love of 2 women who both became my wife.. One is up above in heaven looking down and one is waiting for me in Peru..

My kids were kidnapped from me 1 year after there Mother died and held on the Reserve. This nearly killed me and caused a lot of pain and damage to my kids..

2 years later after the Prime Minister and cabinet looked into the matter I got my kids back.. The [snip]ers really caused hurt and damage to my kids and I..

The Canadian Indian Tribe said that because I was a White man I was not allowed to raise my half Native kids.

They said..

" Our rights as people to keep these kids trump the rights of the biological father ".

[snip] off you bastards you have hurt my kid so much...

I will never forget that over a year ago that we were all at the Mall shopping. My son thought he saw someone from the Indian band.. He got so frightened he peed his pants..

I can't take my daughter and my son pain away.. I can only love them with all my heart and soul.

Now I will never forget my trip to Peru in March of 08 when after we were engaged. We were lying in bed 2 days before I had to go back to Canada.

Roxi took my face in her hands and said.

mi amor, I know you will always love Yvonne and I like and respect that. If you ever have a tough day or night and miss her you let me know. If it was her birthday , anniversary or anything please let me know..

Roxi said to me.. You can cry or be sad.. I will hold you and kiss you and love you mi amor.. I will cry with you and take care of you mi amor.. As she told me this tears flowed down her face because she wanted to take away the pain I have been through..

What a great woman I have found in Chiclayo , Peru.. Roxi became my wife nearly 3 months ago and it has been a blessing...

I will never forget as long as I live the night we chatted on MSN via webcam and voicechat about 6 weeks before my first trip to see Roxi..

She was crying and her face was full of tears.. I was worried and asked her what happened mi amor..

She said mi amor I was at the church tonight after my English class.. I lit a candle for " Yvonne " and I promised her before God that I would take of her children and treat them as my own. I will never let my future kids forget there Mother in heaven who loves them very much..

I will take care of your Jeff and try and take his pain away because I know he will always love you.. I will love and kiss him and honor him as my amor..

As she told me this , tears rolled down my face.. I knew I had found my future wife who was full of grace and love..

Ten Months later we were married in Chiclayo , Peru.. Roxi insisted and I agreed that my kids would come down too..

My daughter was the maid of honor and my son was my little best man.. After we were married we walked down the isle..

We walked down the 4 of us together not just Roxi and me..

My son and daughter cried when we were outside and hugged Roxi and I..

" We have a Mommy now and now we are a complete family".. They said..

It has been a trying and hard time since my kids came back to me.. They have serious post traumatic stress syndrome and I am at the school daily because my son is fearful to be away from me..

I love my kids with all my heart but I can't take their pain away.. A father should be able to protect his kids and shield them from pain but I can't do that..

I just love em and hug em and kiss them and tell them I love em when they cry and wish their mommy had never died..

It tears my heart apart to see my children in such pain.. It rips my guts out and spills them on the floor because I can't take their pain away..

God damn let me have all their pain .. My children should not have to go through this..

They were only 4 and 7 years old when there Mother was snatched away from us..

Well I took a 15 minute break from writing this and I called my wife in Peru..

I was feeling so sad and upset after the rough night my kids have and missing my Roxi my wife so dearly and now I feel so happy.

" mi amor she said you gave me a great gift "

This is approximately what she said and might not be word for word..

What gift did I give you I said.. You called me when you were sad and hurting..

Remember I love you so much my husband and amor , I send you all my love.. Remember my kisses and all the love I give you..

You and my kids are not alone anymore mi amor Roxi said ..

She told me that I can't take the kids pain away as only time , love and God can do that amor.. Between the two of us we will give them all our love..

We said our " te amo's " and good night even though it is early morning now..

She told me that she had to go and pray..

I said pray ?

She said yes amor..

I will pray for healing for you and our children from all this pain you have been carrying..

I will pray and thank god for Yvonne that she bring me my family because now I have 2 kids and my esposo Jeff..

I was a little confused..

Roxi said my guardian angel now I believe is Yvonne and she found you and the kids for me. I prayed for many years for a good man to love me and for a family.

I got both at once I became a wife to you amor and a mother to our kids..

I am so so sorry amor that Yvonne had to pass away for us to find our love..

Now you go rest soon mi amor and always remember that your Roxi in Peru loves you with all her heart..

After she hung up and I thought about what else she said..

Don't forget your wife Roxi here in Peru mi amor who loves you too much..

She says that a lot but I could never forget her.. I have told her that many times..

I feel better and cleansed after writing all this down and talking to my darling wife..What still makes this a open wound for me is that I can never visit Yvonne's grave on the Indian Reserve since I am banned from there.

The Pain never goes away completely in my heart but I have one thing left to say to my late wife Yvonne..

Thank you dear for bringing Roxi into our lives , the kids are so happy with her.. I don't know if I really believe you and god brought us together but Roxi really believes it..

If you did it is a miracle because you found me the best woman in the world after you left this earth..

I know there is nothing I could do to save your life.. I love you and thank you for our children..

You would be really proud of them..

Good night my sweet Indian princess and now you may go and rest.. Your work has been done and we are in good hands now with my wife Roxi..

I hope where ever you are that you are free and happy.. Now go grab your dad and go hunting and fishing my love and swim to your heart's content in the forests of your ancestors up in the sky.

For our children and I will never forget you and will always love you my dear..

The pain never goes completely away.

Love Jeff..

P.S. I just finished writing this and I find writing healing sometimes.. I decided to share this with everyone..

If you don't have a love , I hope you all will find your own woman like Roxi wherever you are that will love you totally and make you feel great.

Te amo Roxi and Yvonne,

Rest In Peace Yvonne; August 26 , 1966 - July 15 , 2004 .

man o man I miss Roxi and Peru very much.

I would give my left arm for my kids and I to be with my wife this coming march break since she makes the kids so happy and pain free.. I have to have lots more patience to wait until Roxi gets to Canada.

Jeff aka singlefather no more


..

[raycjs]

S.F. No more

We talk almost every day and i try to understand what it would be like to have gone through what you and your family has gone through.. And i say to myself i have nothing in my life that i can copare this to. All i can tell you is you are a very strong man and deep down in side i truly believe that when Roxi is in your life every day with you and the children the healing will then Begin. It will never go away but i truly believe that in time your children will treat Roxi like there late mother and they both will grow to be strong adults. I believe that will happen sooner then later. I wish i could say or do something that would make this all go away but if you really believe in God there is a reason for everything we do and go through in life. I have had my share of BS but in no way would i have have the right to say it compares to what you have been through.... Hang in there and be strong and thank you so much for helping me with all of my issues which compared to your mine are all  minor. 

Best of luck one of your true friends

Ray

[Bear]

Everyone in life has trials.  Like you I've lost a spouse and the child we brought into the world together.  It seemed like of the 25 years I spent with my "ex" all I did was miss my late wife and son - my ex did not compare and wouldn't try.  It's very tough to compare someone as close as a spouse - people are different. 

Now I'm remarried and Honey doesn't compare.  She is on a completely different level than the other two were and I've found I love her for completely different reasons - if for nothing else, she really cares about me and the ex only cared about herself.  MOF, many times I wonder if I had been married my first longer if she might have been as bad as my ex was - she too was an AW.  The first cared for me and was more than willing to show it, but we hadn't gone through any trials together yet.

One very interesting thing happened though the night my first died.  I was in basic training at Ft Ord, she was here in Houston.  I was just climbing into the bed and looked up and saw her floating above me.  The guys in the room said I said, "Becky's dead" and went to very peaceful sleep.  The next day I was called out of the company and told she had been run over by a van while trying to cross a very busy freeway to get to were she worked.  They sent me home for her funeral.  Since we were not legally married I was not allowed to put my name on the birth certificate of our son, so the child was taken and put up for adoption.  Since I was in the military and single, I was told I could not apply to adopt him.  To this day I have not been able to find him.  I had joined the Army because at the time you had to be 21 to get married or 18 1/2 if in the military - I was 18.  My reason for joining the Army no longer existed and everything I had or planned was gone.  I had even given up a scholarship to college to join the Army.  The pain didn't end till I met Honey.

My Grandfather, before he died, and I would talk about our relationships together (my grandmother divorced him after he retired - she too was an AW) and he'd ask me why I kept going to her grave and trying to remember her when all it did was dredge up the hurt.  I could only say I wasn't happy with the ex and I missed the feelings I had with the first.  I haven't been to her grave since I met Honey.

I can say without a doubt in my mind, because you loved her, part of you will always be missing, but if you truly have found a new love, the pain won't be so bad anymore.  Its time to let her go, you have a new responsibility, and you MUST make her number one.  Believe me - your late wife understands.

The Bear Family

[zack]

SF no more,

Although I have had my share of hard knocks I haven't been through what you've been through. I feel for you even though I can't say that I know how you feel. But I feel obligated to tell you about a guy I know who is in your ballpark.  When he was 18 he dove into a pool that wasn't as deep as he thought. He hit his head on the bottom and fractured his neck. He is now paralyzed from the neck down for life. That was 8 years ago. Now he is strapped to a device that is similar to a dolly and gets wheeled by assistants when he needs to go somewhere. He still can't move nor feel anything below his neck. The amazing thing is, he has a great attitude and appears to be one of the happiest people that I know. I asked him how he manages to be so positive and happy despite his incredible misfortune. He said "Any day above ground is a good day". He also said that he has received a lot of help from above.

No matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone out there who has it worse. Hang in there man. It looks like things are getting better for you. Although time doesn't heal all woulds completely, time certainly will help.

Zack

[Dave H]

Hey Jeff,

For once, I don't have much to say. Sometimes life is really cruel! I know your history and it always leaves me choked up when I think about it! The pain doesn't go completely away, but gets more managable and life does get better with time. I agree with the guy Zack knows. Every morning I wake up, I am very thankful to be above ground and especially that my wife and kids are healthy! As you know, I have a much greater chance than most people my age of going into the big sleep. Somehow I have managed to pull out of it 3 times. Hopefully my medications will give me a lot more time (3 more years in July). I am asking for 30. 

Dave

[JimmySTLOUIS]

SF no more

I cannot imagine the pain you guys have been through

keep your head up old man

you have been blessed twice with good women in your life - thats more than a lot of guys can say

TE AMO PERU!!

jim